Excuses to call in sick and what to say

I'm off sick today, and my out of office is on.

The auto-reply tells everyone else, so your manager only hears it once.

I was sick overnight and I'm not fit to work.

Not fit to work is the phrase sick notes use, and it reads that way.

I'm not well. I'll let you know by 8 tomorrow whether I'll be in.

A time for the next update is the part managers want most.

I've had a stomach bug since 3 am, and I can't be more than ten feet from a bathroom.

Nobody wants to hear more, so nobody asks.

I think it's the norovirus that's going around my son's school.

Say norovirus and people lean away from the phone.

I've got food poisoning and have been up all night.

Nobody wants the details, and a night like that explains the voice.

I've caught the stomach flu my kids had at the weekend.

Parents believe it at once. They've caught it too.

I've had diarrhea since last night.

The one word that ends every phone call.

I've been vomiting since 4 am.

Nobody asks you to describe it, and you shouldn't offer.

My IBS has flared up, and I need to stay near home today.

People who have it believe you at once. People who don't won't ask.

I woke up with a migraine, and looking at a screen makes it worse.

It also explains why you won't be answering messages.

I've got a fever of 101, and I'd rather not give it to the whole floor.

Offering to protect everyone else ends the conversation.

I've got an ear infection, and the room won't stop tilting.

They'll picture you on a boat and tell you to lie down.

I've got tonsillitis, and swallowing water hurts.

It sounds too specific to be made up.

I've got the flu, the real one with the aches.

Anyone who has had the real one stops you at the word aches.

I tested positive this morning, so I'm staying home.

Nobody wants you in, and most offices still have a rule about it.

I've got strep throat, and the doctor says I'm contagious for another day.

A doctor and the word contagious do all the work.

I've got a fever and the shivers, and I can't get warm.

Nobody asks you to come shivering into a meeting.

I've got a chest cold, and I'm short of breath on the stairs.

Short of breath gets you told to stay home and see someone.

I've caught the flu that went round the office last week.

Half the team had it, so the list of witnesses is long.

I've got a sore throat and a temperature.

Two symptoms, both common, both checkable by nobody.

I've had a fever since yesterday afternoon and I'm still in bed.

A fever that started yesterday has a history, and histories get believed.

The doctor says I've got mono.

Doctors say weeks for mono, so they'll ask about the weeks.

I fainted this morning, and I'm being checked over.

Nobody asks you to come in after fainting, and they'll check on you later.

I've got pink eye in both eyes, and I look like I cried through the quarterly numbers.

Nobody wants it, and nobody wants to see it on camera.

I've got a stye, and one eye is swollen shut.

It's small enough to believe and bad enough to stay home.

I've got a tooth abscess, and the dentist is draining it at 11.

Nobody asks a single question after the word draining.

I lost a filling, and the nerve is exposed.

Anyone who has had one winces down the phone.

I burned my hand on the oven, and urgent care says to keep it dressed and still.

Nobody expects typing from a bandaged hand.

I've got whiplash from a minor bump in the car yesterday.

They'll ask if you're OK, and they'll mean it.

I scalded my hand with the kettle.

Kettle burns get bandaged, and bandages don't type.

The neighbor's dog bit me, and I'm at urgent care getting it cleaned.

Urgent care and a dog bite are a full story, and nobody needs more.

I've got shingles.

They'll look it up, see the pictures, and never ask again.

I had an allergic reaction last night and I'm still woozy from the medication.

Woozy and medication end the conversation.

I've caught chickenpox from my kids, and adults get it worse.

Nobody wants to be in a room with it, or to ask for a picture.

I've got cellulitis in my leg and I'm on antibiotics.

Antibiotics mean a doctor saw it, which ends the questions.

I've caught whatever my kids brought home from daycare.

Every parent in the office knows that bug by name.

I've caught hand, foot and mouth from my toddler.

Adults catch it more than they expect, and nobody wants to catch it from you.

My son brought home conjunctivitis, and now I've got it too.

Eye infections clear rooms. Nobody wants you on camera with one either.

The baby gave me her cold, and neither of us slept.

Parents of babies get a pass on any morning, and this one's true.

I'm not well enough to work today.

True of a fever, a migraine and a week that has flattened you. Nothing to check.

My doctor says I'm run down and should rest for two days.

A doctor's two days are two days, and nobody haggles.

My GP has signed me off until Thursday.

A doctor's name on it ends the questions.

I'm recovering from a minor procedure, and the doctor said two days.

Minor procedure is the most private phrase in the language.

I've got a colonoscopy today, and the prep started last night.

No manager in history has asked a follow-up question.

I'm having a mole removed this morning, and the stitches need a couple of days.

Stitches end the conversation, and nobody asks where.

I'm having laser eye surgery and can't look at a screen for 24 hours.

It was booked weeks ago, and they'll ask if you can see them now.

I've got an endoscopy today, and I'll be sedated.

Sedated is a word that gets nobody asking for a quick call.

I'm having a cast fitted on my wrist this morning.

A cast is visible proof for six weeks, so nobody doubts it.

The doctor has put me on antibiotics and told me to rest until they work.

Doctor's orders, with a prescription to show for them.

I ache all over and I'm running a temperature.

Aches and a temperature are the flu's calling card, and nobody wants it at work.

I've got a urinary infection and I'm waiting on antibiotics.

Nobody asks a follow-up, and you shouldn't give one.

I've got a kidney infection, and the doctor says bed rest.

Doctors say bed rest for a reason, and it closes the call.

My period pain is too bad to sit at a desk today.

Plenty of people on the team know exactly what that means, and the rest won't ask.

I've been told to isolate until my test comes back.

Isolate is an instruction, not a request, and offices still follow it.

I fell down the stairs last night and I'm bruised all over.

They'll ask if you need anything. Say a day.

I cut my finger badly opening a tin, and urgent care glued it.

Glued fingers don't type, and the story is too dull to doubt.

I've got gastroenteritis, and the doctor says 48 hours away from people.

48 hours away from people is the doctor's line, and HR uses it too.

I've got a migraine with aura, and part of my sight is gone, so I can't drive.

Nobody asks you to drive half sighted, and the aura passes.

The NHS 111 line told me to rest and see a GP today.

An NHS adviser's instruction carries weight in any British office.

I'm in A&E with a sprained wrist, waiting to be seen.

A&E waits are famous, and nobody expects you before evening.

I've got a sickness bug, and I shouldn't be anywhere near food.

Anyone who works with food sends you home for this at once.

I've had a fall, and I'm getting checked at urgent care.

A fall gets sympathy and a check-in text, and no questions.

Something I ate last night has not agreed with me, and it's still arguing.

They'll ask what you ate. Have a restaurant ready that they've never heard of.

I've been sick since midnight and I'm dehydrated, so I'm resting and drinking water.

They'll tell you to try those electrolyte drinks. Agree.

I've got gastritis and can't keep food down.

They'll ask what gastritis is. Tell them it's the stomach and stop.

My stomach ulcer is flaring up again.

They'll tell you to cut down on coffee. You won't.

I've got a sinus infection, and I sound like I'm talking through a sock.

They'll want to hear it, so call instead of texting.

My asthma is bad today, and the pollen count is off the charts.

They'll ask if you have your inhaler.

I've got a chest infection, and I cough like a car that won't start.

They'll hear it in the first five seconds of the call.

My throat has closed to the width of a straw.

They'll tell you to gargle salt water. Everyone's mother said so.

I've had a cold all week, and today it won.

They'll say you seemed fine yesterday. You were pretending yesterday.

I've got bronchitis again, and the cough keeps me up.

They'll ask if you're seeing someone about the again.

I've got vertigo, and standing up is a negotiation.

They'll ask if you can work sitting down. Sitting down is also a negotiation.

I've got a heavy cold and I'm sneezing every thirty seconds.

They'll hear it on the call, which is the point of calling.

I've got a hacking cough that would keep the whole floor awake.

Nobody wants to sit next to it, including you.

My cold has gone to my sinuses, and my whole face hurts.

They'll recommend a steam bowl. Everybody's grandmother did.

I've got an infection in both ears, and I can't hear calls.

Can't hear calls is a full stop on any job with a phone.

I'm streaming with a cold.

Streaming is British for it won't stop, and it won't.

I've got a cluster headache.

Anyone who has had one goes quiet. Anyone who hasn't looks it up.

I've been dizzy since I woke up, and I can't drive like this.

They'll offer to send a car. Say lying down is the plan.

My blood pressure is off, and the doctor wants me resting today.

Doctor and blood pressure in one line closes the topic.

I scratched my eye with a contact lens, and the doctor says no screens today.

A doctor's no screens is a whole day's leave in three words.

I had a tooth pulled this morning, and I'm on the good painkillers.

They'll agree you shouldn't be on a client call.

I'm having an emergency root canal, and my face won't move for hours.

They'll offer you a call anyway. Explain about the face.

My wisdom teeth came out yesterday, and I look like a hamster.

They'll want a photo, and you will refuse.

One side of my face has swollen up from a bad tooth.

Video calls are out, and they'll agree before you finish.

My crown came off, and the dentist is refitting it at 10.

They'll ask why that's a whole day. The numbness is the day.

I threw my back out putting on my socks.

They'll laugh, then ask if you can work lying down.

I stepped on a nail, had a tetanus shot, and now my arm won't lift.

They'll ask where the nail was.

I sprained my ankle on the stairs, and it's the size of a grapefruit.

They'll ask which stairs. Ours, you'll say, and they'll stop.

I slipped on the ice outside my building and I'm getting my wrist X-rayed.

They'll ask if it's broken. You'll know by lunch.

I came off my bike on the way in yesterday, and today everything hurts.

They'll ask if you were wearing a helmet. Say yes.

I've done something to my knee, and I can't bend it.

They'll ask what you did. Say you stood up.

I got stung on the hand and it's swollen to twice its size.

They'll want a photo, and they'll get one.

I bumped my head on a kitchen cupboard, and the urgent care doctor wants me resting today.

A head bump plus a doctor's advice is hard to argue with.

I sprained my wrist and can't use a mouse.

They'll suggest the trackpad, then the other hand.

I've done my back in lifting the kids' bikes into the car.

Everyone has a back story. Theirs will take ten minutes.

I hurt my shoulder, and I can't lift my arm as high as the desk.

They'll ask how. Say you reached for something on a high shelf.

I shut my finger in the car door.

Everyone winces, and nobody asks you to type with it.

I cut my foot on glass and can't get a shoe on.

They'll suggest slippers. In this office, slippers would be noticed.

I tripped over the cat and landed on my wrist.

They'll ask if the cat's OK. The cat's fine.

I've broken out in hives, and the doctor thinks it's an allergic reaction.

They'll ask what you're allergic to. You're finding out.

I've got poison ivy on both arms from clearing the yard.

They'll ask why you were clearing the yard. Because it was there.

I've come out in a rash all over, and the doctor wants to see it.

They'll ask if it's catching. Say the doctor will tell you.

A new washing powder has given me itchy patches everywhere.

They'll ask which brand, so they can avoid it.

My eczema has flared up on both hands, and they're cracked.

Cracked hands and keyboards don't mix, and they'll take your word for it.

The whole house has the bug, and I'm the last one standing, barely.

They'll ask why you can't work from home. Somebody needs the bathroom.

I've caught slapped cheek from my daughter's class.

They'll ask if it's a real illness. It is, and adults get it too.

I'm taking a mental health day, and I'll be back tomorrow.

They'll say take care, or ask what's wrong. Either way, you learn which manager you have.

I'm burned out, and I need a day to reset before I'm useful again.

Burnout is the most common real reason, and the best managers say thanks for telling them.

I didn't sleep at all last night, and I'm not safe to drive.

Lack of sleep tops the reasons people give in one survey. Not safe to drive does the rest.

I'm having a bad anxiety day and I'm staying home.

A good manager says take the day. A bad one asks for details, and now you know.

I've been feeling run down all week, and today I can't get up.

A doctor will come up. Say you'll go if it carries on.

I had a panic attack this morning, and I need the day.

A good manager says take it. That's the whole test.

I'm overwhelmed, and I need a day to get back on my feet.

Saying so once is braver than six weeks of saying fine.

I'm struggling this week, and I'm going to rest today.

You don't owe more detail than that, and a decent manager won't ask for it.

I'm too exhausted to work safely today.

Safely is the word that matters. It turns tired into a reason.

I had a reaction to yesterday's flu shot, and everything aches.

They'll ask where you got the shot, because they still need one.

I was up at 4 with a nosebleed that wouldn't stop, and I'm wiped out.

They'll ask if you've seen a doctor. Say you're going to.

The new medication is making me dizzy, and the doctor says to wait a few days.

They'll ask what it's for. Say the doctor is on it.

I gave blood yesterday and fainted on the way home.

They'll ask if you're OK, then never give blood again themselves.

My physio says rest the knee for 48 hours.

They'll ask why a knee stops you typing. It stops the commute.

I'm getting a cortisone injection in my knee today.

They'll ask if it hurts. Say yes and that's the end of it.

I'm having stitches out, and the wound is still sore.

They'll ask why that's a day. Say the clinic runs late, because it does.

I picked up something at the conference, along with the tote bag.

Conference colds are famous, and three of your colleagues have one too.

I caught something on the flight back from vacation.

They'll say how convenient. Planes are full of coughing, so it's also true.

I've got the cold that went round the kickoff.

Half the people who were there have it, so the list confirms you.

I came back from the planning offsite with a cold.

Offsites spread colds faster than strategy.

Something at the holiday party buffet didn't agree with me.

They'll ask which dish. The prawns, always the prawns.

I caught a chill at the budget offsite in that freezing hotel.

Hotel conference rooms run cold, and everyone who went is sniffing.

I've got a stiff neck from the plane.

They'll ask where you flew. They always ask where you flew.

I've done something to my ribs from coughing.

They'll wince and tell you to stop coughing. Thanks.

I've got hay fever and a migraine at the same time.

Two common things at once sounds unlucky, which is why it gets believed.

I've got a gout flare, and I can't put weight on my foot.

They'll say gout is for kings. You'll feel like one, on the sofa.

My sciatica has flared up, and I can't sit for more than ten minutes.

Anyone who has had it nods. Anyone who hasn't recommends a cushion.

I've got a perforated eardrum from the flight.

They'll ask how you flew with a cold. Carefully.

I slipped a disc lifting the cat litter.

They'll ask how heavy cat litter is. Heavier than it looks.

My contact lens gave me an eye infection, and I can't wear lenses or glasses today.

They'll ask how you'll see the screen. You won't.

I've got tennis elbow and I can't hold a mouse.

They'll ask when you last played tennis. Never, which is the strange part.

I've been nauseous all morning, and screens make it worse.

Screens and nausea are a pairing everyone understands.

I bruised my tailbone falling on the ice, and sitting down is out.

They'll laugh, then ask if you have a cushion.

My plantar fasciitis is so bad I can't walk to the station.

They'll ask what it is. Say a foot thing, and they'll stop.

I had a bad reaction to shellfish last night, and I'm sleeping it off.

They'll ask what you ate. Say a paella, and stop there.

I dropped a tin of beans on my foot and it's swollen.

They'll laugh. You will too, eventually.

The kids and I all have a fever, and the house is one big blanket fort.

They'll hear the cartoons in the background, which helps your case.

I've had stomach cramps all night and I'm going to see a doctor.

Seeing a doctor ends the questions, and they'll ask later how it went.

I've got conjunctivitis in one eye, and I don't want to pass it round the office.

They'll thank you, then check their own eyes for the rest of the day.

My hay fever has turned into a sinus infection.

They'll recommend a nasal spray. Everyone has a favourite.

I pulled something at the gym, and I can't sit in a chair.

They'll offer you a standing desk.

I slept on my neck wrong, and I can only look left.

They'll seat you on the right side of the table.

I cut my hand cooking last night, and with the stitches I can't type.

They'll ask to see the stitches on camera.

I broke my little toe on the bed frame.

They'll point out you don't type with your toes.

I'm too sunburned to wear a shirt.

They'll ask where you were in the sun on a weekday.

I dislocated my finger playing volleyball.

They'll ask what you were doing playing volleyball on a Tuesday night.

I pulled a hamstring at football last night.

They'll ask the score, then who you were marking.

My hay fever is so bad I can't keep my eyes open.

They'll tell you to take an antihistamine and log on.

I've got a cold sore the size of a quarter, and I'm not doing a client call like this.

They'll say the client won't notice. The client will notice.

I've caught croup from my toddler.

They'll look it up, and the search won't help you.

I need a day.

Honest, and it lands differently with every manager.

I think I'm passing a kidney stone, and I'm at urgent care.

Anyone on the team who has had one will want to compare notes.

I've had a tension headache since they gave us the new chairs.

They'll forward it to facilities, and facilities will want you in to try a chair.

I've had my ears cleaned out, and everything sounds too loud.

They'll test it by whispering. Ignore them.

I've come down with something the morning after the holiday party.

Everyone at the party knows exactly what you came down with.

I've got jet lag and I'm no use to anyone.

They'll ask where you went. They'll also ask why you didn't plan a day for it.

I ran a marathon yesterday, and today I can't walk downstairs.

Proud and true, and they'll ask your time.

I'm still recovering from my cousin's wedding.

They'll ask if it was a good wedding. The answer is the problem.

I've got sunstroke from the weekend.

They'll ask what you were doing in the sun all day. Barbecue is the right answer.

I hurt my back at the trust fall.

They'll ask who failed to catch you.

I've had food poisoning since the client dinner.

Finance will ask for the receipt from the dinner.

I strained something at the summer sports day.

They'll ask which race. Say the three-legged one, and blame your partner.

I was stung by a jellyfish on holiday and my leg is still swollen.

They'll ask where you were swimming, then where you were on holiday.

I think I'm allergic to the new office carpet.

Facilities will ask for proof, and the carpet will win.

I've got a cold, but a really bad one.

Really bad is the part they doubt. Lose the really.

I've got a cold coming on.

Coming on means it isn't here yet, and they'll expect you until it is.

I've strained my eyes from too many spreadsheets.

They'll suggest a bigger font and a break at noon.

I picked up an injury at the charity fun run.

They'll ask which charity, then sign you up for next year.

I've caught a cold from the office air conditioning.

They'll say air conditioning doesn't cause colds. Facilities will agree with them.

My eyes are red raw from my contact lenses.

They'll tell you to wear your glasses. They're right.

I've got a bit of a sniffle.

A bit of a sniffle is what people say on their way into work.

I've got a cold, so I'll work from bed and you won't hear from me.

Working from bed with no word from you reads as not working.

I'm sick of work.

True of everyone by Wednesday. Not a sick day.